Hmm two posts in two days eh? Well we haven't gone full blown into our new schedule so I'm taking a quick minute to post before we start our chores, then school, then lunch, then playtime, then clean again then go pick up Clay then.... LOL. Yeah, yeah, I should be doing chores. So sue me. We all know how well chores and I mesh. So I am going to post real quick, read some threads on my two fave Christian women's boards, am posting here, then *sigh* am doing chores. Cassie's still sick so she's exempt but Frank, Adric and I will go at the living room and dining room. Oh and laundry. Argh and the bathroom LOL. And my bedroom. Okay I suppose I will hurry up and finish this post :) :)
Do you ever sit and just wonder almost in despair how people keep it all together? I do more than I care to admit. I don't want to be jealous or covet anything they have or do, but man sometimes it's so hard to feel so behind, to feel like I struggle SO much and well.... hard to not feel like a big ole failure. I'm trying to fix it, but man like Dr. Phil says :) that internal dialogue holds on tight and refuses to let go. Actually for the longest time, years in fact, I just couldn't fully understand the whole internal dialogue thing. I could rationally know what it was and meant but I never would recognize when I would say something to myself. SO about two nights ago, I did something and honestly inside my head I heard myself say "idiot". Now sure it was kind of half hearted and joking. I mean I don't think I go around being totally ugly in my own head, but it was eye opening. I have noticed it more than ever the last couple days. NOW sometimes those little things you tell yourself are true BUT, it is defeating to be so critical of these things you are working on changing.
So I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself that it seems I have pushed away most of the people that I care about. I really feel like the only person that does this. And I find myself telling myself that of course these people don't talk to you anymore because you're not a good friend. Okay this is true BUT man it sure is hard to feel that way about yourself. I don't know why I do this though. I make friends, people in my life that I really love and care about. Eventually there is this part of me that stops reaching out, that stops putting out the effort that it takes to foster these friendships. What is up with that? I don't want to be lonely. No one does eh? So why have I my WHOLE LIFE done this? I had a best best friend in high school. The closest you could be. I no longer have her in my life. Even lately new friends. People that I miss. Sonya, and CD, and Mere. Members of my family. My poor CT knows full well how I am about this. My great friends in TN. I miss them. I don't talk to them. I swear I feel like the only person in the world who does this. Hmm another thing to pray about and find the root of. To everyone that I love that I haven't talked to - I really do LOVE you and miss you.
SOOO food. Seems like food is such a part of my life. HA! I suppose it is a big part of everyone's life hehe. We can't live without it. Tonight I am going to make the week's menu since I need to go shopping tomorrow. As for today....
B - children had half a bagel&cream cheese and a bowl of applesauce. I had half a WW bagel with a 1 in cube of CC, and 2 eggs.
L - Me - the rest of the leftover salmon, and sauteed zuchinni, the children - a bowl of beans with butter, and maybe some applesauce (my mom bought these 4 HUGE jars of organic applesauce)
D - Everyone else - whole wheat spaghetti with ground turkey meat sauce (I make the best yummy) with a side of spaghetti squash with parmesan cheese. ME - the meat sauce over spaghetti squash instead of pasta.
S - I think I might make myself a small all fruit smoothie with bee pollen for dessert. After all I didn't have any fruit all day on this menu eh? Dessert is called for. Healthy but dessert nonetheless.
I think I am going to post my new schedule tomorrow so if anyone out there who is really organized sees some problem areas in it, you can let me know. I need to get a jpeg copy of it though so that will be tomorrow. And since I hope to really start it tomorrow that'l be good.
Argh off to do chores. :) Yunno no argh. I am learning to embrace my job here and I long to truly find contentment in it. So I will go clean the house, it will make me feel great. Later Gators.